My Biggest Fear… Growing Up

Yes I took high school for granted…it was the easiest years of my life, fuck the haters, look at me now. Where am I going? Who knows? I know that I have the skills to do amazing things, but where the fuck am I going to start? I want to be a stylist, sure, that’s rough though and it takes time and connections, I have to start some where… So where?

Before heading back to school my mother informed me that I was not aloud to buy anything from Bape this year. “Your too old for $300 hoodies,” that’s what she said. “You better not buy any more sneakers, you cant go to an interview in those!” She was even hating on my love of profanity ridden t-shirts!… geeze just take my whole personality away while you at it! Then I got to thinking, does this growing up and getting a job thing really mean no more jeans with sneakers, or leggings with a big t-shirt? Don’t get me wrong I love a pencil skirt with a pair of Christian Louboutins but I want the best of both worlds here!

I used to just say the words “limited edition” and mom was all for it, now (and in the present economy) “I’m too old” for this shit. I like money, I like designer clothes, and I like streetwear. I am awesome on computers (our generation is addicted to computers), I’m creative (dad’s an artist), I’ve written two business plans so I know a lot about business (grandpa’s an entrepreneur), I’m good at math and I actually enjoy it (mom’s an accountant), and I’ve learned everything I need to know about fashion merchandising from the lovely curriculum provided by F.I.T. not to mention I think I have an awesome fashion sense! My resume is decent, 2 years of selling experience on Madison Avenue, interning at an influential trend forecasting company, tons of office experience, studied abroad in Rome, good GPA….

This leads me too… I have no idea where I want to go from here!

I’m a month into senior year of college and every day I get closer to graduation I think about how much easier life would be if I dropped out of school and moved to a extinct mountain town with my ex boyfriend, snowboarded everyday and just had babies while working at the local grocery store. Now that sounds easy right? Some place where they haven’t even heard of the $2,000.00 Chanel bag that you’ve been dreaming about since you came out the womb. I mentioned it to the ex and all he said was “yeah right you could never give that shit up.” It’s true, my life is fashion and I want to work with fashion for the rest of my life. At my internship I sit at my desk in this artificially lit office with a small window 20 feet to my left, yes I deal with fashion all day but is desk life really for me? I like being busy… not getting paid to check my e-mail, I want to be running around and actually doing something legit.

I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life besides make my family proud. I have 8 months to figure it out and find a job, that shits rough! I want to move to LA, my dad says “yeah go while your young” my mom pretends I’m kidding but I’m not. California is where I always said I would live after college. Don’t get me wrong I love the city and I’ll be back eventually, but I need a change of scenery. I wanna be stuck in traffic blasting music in my car, running up and down Sunset Blvd. with my bitches and shopping on Melrose daily…

I broke up with my boyfriend before senior year because I said I needed to figure out my life on my own. Now I’m alone and scared. I know all my friends are on the same page as me, everyone is scared and especially in this day and age… My biggest fear used to be “dieing alone” but that will come later in life, right now my biggest fear is growing the fuck up. I want to be a toy’r’us kid forever… I want to style my barbies and not have a care in the world, but I cant. My parents spent a fortune sending me to college and now I have to show something for it. This my friends is real life, and we are all dealing with it.

Where are you going?

p.s. I forgot to mention my weaknesses… I’m the worst speller you’ve ever met, I’m domineering and have major opinions, I like it done my way or the highway, and obviously from this post you can tell sometimes I have anxiety!

Words of wisdom are much appreciated here 🙂

“I’ll drink to that sista!”

Peace & Love


Photo: by me of one of my bffs 😉

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3 thoughts on “My Biggest Fear… Growing Up

  1. chauser says:

    You don’t have to tell me twice. I just started my senior year and I think I’m freaking out just as much as you are right now. I have a lot of things going for me but yet I’m so confused. Reality sucks!

  2. nosaj says:

    i freaked out too, took me 6 months to really stop freaking out. plus, you already have a clear direction – fashion.

    good call on LA. you really can wear anything and streetwear is 1st runner up to denim in socal fashion.

    one thing though, you probably already know, fashion doesnt pay, but you do it because you love it.

  3. loozegear says:

    Hey good luck I think your gonna do well coz u have the right attitude

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